Rest & relaxation and being alone is often needed for me throughout this TBI journey. This is so not like me pre TBI. But it’s an absolute must for me now.
So I had a week. I was losing my mind. Living in a camper plus 2 dogs and my husband, not being in the same house as my son and then also navigating living with my parents around a lot since we have to go into the house is a lot. My parents are great. But living with a brain injury does not make me the easiest to be around or make it easy for me to be around others, it’s so hard to truly understand me and what I need and vice versa I am sure.
So Thursday I had my global interview in Seattle and then planned to go to my husbands family beach home but his Sister was there until Friday and we planned to drop me off Thursday. It’s not close to anything either and I don’t drive. So I booked a cheap motel with decent ratings, I also had an Expedia credit so it was super cheap. Honestly it’s the best choice I made and I am lucky I had to go to plan B because I was able to walk around all over Astoria and to anything I needed.
The time away, time alone was such a great time and learning experience. I was able to walk a ton, read a ton, listen to audio books and journal. I started some new books and listened to ones by authors I enjoy like Berne Brown. I actually learned a ton with this time away, learned a ton about myself and my feelings so I can better navigate this life I am living. Here is my biggest take away and I am so glad that I discovered this realization, it will help me with how I feel and help me move on and stop being hurt by others actions.
When I was listening to Brene Brown she said something that really struck me and let me see my relationships in a new light, especially social media. She talked about how routine encounters affect our brain and how people think they are connecting with you, yet are totally disconnected. I have 3 text messages to people I would consider 3 of my best friends, but they have not ever responded and have not responded to the last couple I have sent. It’s been over a month for some. Yet two of these people would like pictures when I had instagram, respond to stories, but cant text back or call me. Two of them even have been to town and did not reach out to me, one of them for a funeral I would have attended yet did not know about. This is why I hate social media, I don’t have facebook and have not for over a year and I despise the fact that if you don’t have it then you are left out of huge things, like funerals.
Brene said we have confused being connected with truly not being connected. Exactly why I hate social media and honestly don’t know if I will ever have it again.
It is truly sad and heart breaking that 3 people I considered my best friends do not have time for me or care too. I guess its too hard to reach out, respond and make others you supposedly care about a priority. I finally see this, I accept it and I am not spending my energy on caring and trying anymore. I know I am a good friend and for fucks sake I also have a severe brain injury and memory issues, so if anyone should be a shitty friend you would think it would be me.
It’s all about priorities and I am over people who do not treat me or make me a priority. I have my husband, my family and a few good friends and thats good enough for me. I know I am a good person, I know I am a good friend, I know I am not superficial and I know I deserve the same respect. But this is not a surprise, we have lost a lot since my brain injury and keep losing more but at the same time we are gaining a lot back of what we lost and I am gaining a hell of a lot of hard truths and knowledge.
I will be ok, we will be ok. This happens in life and has my entire life. It is what it is. I am happy with who I am and how I carry myself and treat others. I am happy, I am constantly learning and although so much always hurts and sucks I just keep pushing forward learning through it all.
Who knew a weekend at the beach would be so relaxing and needed but also involve so much learning at the same time and hard realizations.